


Kept struggling

by unicornprincen



Category: K-pop, Kpop - Fandom, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-04-03 02:11:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4082683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unicornprincen/pseuds/unicornprincen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Namjoon turned his back on the life he previously held</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kept struggling

**Author's Note:**

> There is usage of slurs in this fic (censored) and some homphobia so please be careful if these things trigger you.

Namjoon never really understood why adults tried to pair him up with little girls of his age when he was younger. They would always say that he was such a ladies-man and that he would be a heartbreaker when he would grow up.These were rather confusing thoughts for him at that age but he didn’t dwell on them for too long. He was much more focused on which games to play with his friends during recess.  
_____

Time kept taking it’s course and Namjoon was starting his second semester of 10th grade. People were much more interested and curious of romantic relationships at this time. Many of his classmates had a significant other, or were on the lookout for one. His friends jokingly asked him multiple times if he had a crush on any of the girls frequenting the school. Namjoon always said the name of any random girl , whichever one that came first to mind. He never really cared much for his female counterparts , he was never really attracted to them anyways. Even at Valentine’s day he would turn down any confessions that would be declared to him. It didn’t feel right to give these girls empty words and pointless hope when he knew it would never work out between them.

He somehow always felt jealous of girls that would ask guys out for various occasions. They were so lucky in Namjoon’s eyes , to be able to freely express their love for men was something he could only dream about. He finally figured out that he was gay when he noticed that he always had crushed on his guy classmates. Most love songs that were about girls made him think of men and his attraction for them. He knew these feelings weren’t something that was commonly accepted , so he would hide them away, never letting a word slip out of his mouth about them.

 

Valentine’s day rolled around once more and Namjoon somehow felt more serious about the way he felt for his crush. It was in a dazed like consciousness that he slipped his confession letter in the slit of his crush’s locker. Making sure not to be seen , he quickly fled the scene. He felt like his steps were slightly lighter as he started to head home.  
_____

He heard his phone buzz for the millionth time in the past few minutes and he decided to finally wake up. It was way to early in the morning to be bothered like this but nonetheless he checked his phone to know what was the cause of his notifications going off. He thought it might have been his friend Jiho who was complaining,again, about his parents or how the world was unfair to him. Jiho has never had the best of luck in life and Namjoon was his prime mate to express these types of things to.

Jiho and Namjoon were friends for about a year or so. Namjoon was a rather shy kid back then and didn’t speak much. They instantly bonded over their love and passion for music when they were both stuck in an after school remediation class.

He was rather shocked to see his inbox flooded with messages from various different phone numbers, most of them belonging to people who were from school. He quickly scrolled through his notifications to see various hate messages bombarded at his face

“F*g”

“Cock-sucker”

“Trash”

“Gay fucker”

“U should die”

“Kill urself”

“Im gunna beat u up”

“S*ssy”

“Hang urself”

“Why dont u die already”

His hands started to shake and he felt so sick. He hurriedly rushed to the bathroom to empty out the contents of his stomach , but it ended up in a bad episode of dry heaving. Once he cleaned himself up , he returned to him room and checked his phone once more to see a recent message sent by Jiho.

“Ur gay? U disgust me. I cant even believe ive hanged out with u for so long and not know about this. I should have figured out really. Good cover up f*ggot. Dont even bother showing ur face @ school today”

He spent the rest of his day balled up under his blankets, too scared to confront his peers or anyone from school ever again. He refused to eat, drink or even move an inch from his curled up position. His small sobs were the only things breaking the heavy silence reigning on his room.  
_____

After a week of missing school Namjoon’s parents forced him to go back against many of his protests to do otherwise. He couldn’t miss anymore classes in worry of failing the semester. He didn’t want to face the other students either. His week was the least bit peaceful as he spent all his time locked up in his room crying himself away. How did the people og the school find out? Who told them? These questions turned round and round in his head for the past few days. The only person who could have known about his orientation was his crush. He wasn’t such person , was he? Did he have a secret hidden personality ? Was he really able of doing such things?

 

“Take a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale”

These were the things Namjoon kept repeating to himself in a low inaudible voice once he passed the school gates. He shyly entered the hallways and students started to openly avoid him when he would walk by them. Some of them laughed at him while others whispered among themselves about things he would rather not hear being said about himself. 

Once he made his way to his locker , he was greeted by tons of hateful messages scribbled all over the door. Holding back his tears he fought with his lock to try and unlock it. When the locker finally opened a slew of papers fell out and piled up at his feet. Hesitantly he picked on up only to see that it was a photocopy of his love note. The exact one he sent to his crush the other day , word for word. He felt so humiliated and ashamed. His whole body started to quiver and tremble from nervousness. He slammed shut the door of his locker and dashed towards the bathroom under the mocking stares of the whole school.

He locked himself in one of the stalls and quietly chocked out a sob. He could only hope that all of this was a bad dream, some sort of extremely vivid nightmare. Hopefully everything was just a sick joke. That when he would would come back out, people would say it was a prank and everything would go back to normal. Did he really think his crush was going to like him back? In what would would something like that ever happens. Even though it was against the odds , he still had an atom of hope living deep inside of him , which he swiftly regretted deeply.

 

His first period was spent hiding in the bathroom avoiding any contact with his peers. His tears slowly started to dry up and his sobbing came to a stop. He carefully got up from the position he was sitting in and went to the sink to splash his face with some water. He looked at his reflection in the mirror, scrutinizing every detail that caught his eye. His skin was pale and his eyes were bloodshot red. Nobody could mistake the fact that he probably bawled his eyes out a few moments ago. Feeling overwhelmed, he broke off eye contact with the person standing before him, trapped inside the reflective surface

Ready to leave, he poked his head out of the restroom, making sure the coast was clear before heading out. He started walking in the direction of whichever class that was currently held, according to his schedule.

While walking in the hallways the bell rang , liberating students from their first morning class. Namjoon barely made it to the classroom before the door flew open right in front of him. Worse was that it was his crush who came out of the class first. Namjoon accidentally bumped into him , which sent him stumbling back a few inches. He hardly had the time to pick himself up and scramble away that he was confronted with even more insults.

“Oh look , it’s the school f*g. You really thought you could actually give me a confession letter like that? You’re such a joke, a nothing, a nobody. Don’t even look at me, you’re so gross”

Classmates nearby started to crack up from the rude remark that hit Namjoon like a smack to the face. Everyone’s laugh sounded like a broken track record, replaying the same damaged part over and over again. Everything started to spin around and feel topsy turvy , it made feel Namjoon extremely nauseous. All that he could do was mutter sorry repetitively in hopes of being left alone.

Before he could even leave, he received a sharp blow to the abdomen. Doubling over in pain he didn’t have any time to block the swarm of punches and kicks that came his way. He rolled up in a fetal position until everything felt to much for him to handle. He suddenly felt his vision turn pitch black and his body go limp as he slipped into unconsciousness.  
_____

He woke up only a few hours later to where he thought , at first , was heaven. After taking a couple of seconds to look around the room he realized it was actually the nurse’s office. She came back in soon after Namjoon woke up to explain what had happened to him. She basically made him relive that rather horrible experience. She recommended him to take some rest and stay out of trouble. he handed him as well a small note that was meant to be seen by his parents. He felt fairly indifferent about wether his parents knew about the incident or not. They wouldn’t help him much anyways.

Namjoon was making his way home , straight after getting out of the nurse’s office. People would whisper, shoot him glances of disgust and shy away from him whenever he would pass near them. With the bruises he had, he surely looked like he was a gang member to the eyes of these strangers. He soon reached his home, a little too quickly for his liking.

He walked through the door and his mother hastily rushed to his side. The school must have called her when he was knocked out earlier. She started to do an impromptu inspection of her son’s face and arms , only to find a multitude of wounds covering his skin. God knows what could be hiding underneath his clothes. He gently swatted her hand way, excused himself before going directly to his room. The second he was inside his own bedroom ,he looked the door and collapsed in his bed.

“Namjoon dinner’s ready”

His mother called his mother calling him to come and eat dinner woke him up from the nap he took out of sheer exhaustion. He made his way to the kitchen table, where his parents were already seated. He sat down and thanked his mom for making dinner as per usual.

Minutes ticked away and Namjoon barely touched any of his food. The atmosphere was heavy ad it was dominated by an imposing silence. The sounds of utensils clicking together and the small satisfied hums of his mother resonated in the kitchen. His parents kept exchanging worried glances due to the behavior of their son. His father cleared his throat, being the first one to break the quietness of the room.

“Has anything happened today at school son?”

Not knowing what to say Namjoon opted to play around with his food. No words came to mind to answer his dad’s question. He wanted to shrink, disappear , simply not exist for the time being. He would have done anything not to answer the question.

“I got beat up”

Namjoon managed to force out in a small voice after a few moments more of unbearable silence. He hoped that maybe stating the obvious would be good enough and satisfy his dad’s curiosity.

“Why so?”

His father seemed genuinely concerned. This honestly didn’t make sense to him. Why would his son get beat up so badly? Namjoon was never a bad kid, he never gave anyone troubles or problems as of fact. He had overall good grades , a good attitude, and even a bright future ahead of him. Why would he start getting into fights now? It was very out of the ordinary to see his own son like so.

Namjoon was dead afraid. He knew he would have to tell his parents about his sexual orientation eventually. It all felt like everything was happening way to fast for him. It still didn’t feel like it was the right time to spill everything out at this exact moment.

His mouth opened and closed many times but no words were coming out. He tried his best to say something , anything really but with no avail. He felt his mouth go dry no matter how many times he took a sip out of his glass of water. He ultimately managed to organize his thoughts and slowly answer his waiting father. He lowered his head and said in a quiet mumble the thing that has been weighing heavy on his heart for so long.

“Because I’m gay”

That was all he could utter out. The silence felt brutal , suffocating Namjoon. He only saw a shadow move quickly near him that he had hardly any time to register what happened afterwards.

The sound of skin on skin contact echoed throughout the whole house. He slowly turned his head in the direction of his mother who just slapped him. He held his hand over his cheek , trying to soother the fiery stinging pain. Tears unconsciously leaked out as he engaged eye contact with his mom. He felt his heart drop as he saw the anger and disgust in her eyes which used to be filled with so much love.

“I didn’t raise my son to be whatever you are. Gay you say? Are you not shameless? I want you out of this house right this instant!”

His father yelled at him for the first time ever. His voice shaked every fiber of Namjoon’s body, hitting him hardly in the core.

Namjoon hurriedly ran yo his room already out of breath. He nervously started filling two bags with his clothes and most important prized possessions. He couldn’t believe what just had happened. His movements were frantic and erratic, betraying him by revealing how he was feeling when he wished not be seen like this . He was so afraid of what was going to happen to him. But right now he could only focus on getting away from this place. As far away as possible for all he cared.

Once everything was packed he took his bags and started running towards the exit of this hell on earth. He passed his parents, who only glared at him and made it through the front door and kept up with his fast pace. The sounds of footsteps heavily hitting the pavement filled the calm and quiet night 

Once at a safe distance from being seen, he turned back to look at the house he used to live in. To think that his peaceful life was no longer existent bring him over the edge of tears. He could only wipe them away and turn his back on the life he previously held. He put on his black hoodie an dissimulated himself into the night. He started walking forwards again with not the slightest bit of a destination in mind. Maybe he would find himself a new and much better life, one where he would be accepted for being himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Im going to add to this fanfic the original version i wrote around a year ago when me and my friend first came up with the AU.  
> Also i kinda feel like i predicted homophobic Zico (i used his real name in the fic tho) bc he did use slurs in his mv for tough cookie


End file.
